i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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