and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
