If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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