Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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