Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
