Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
