Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
