I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
tell me about the eggs
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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