Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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