I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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