I must be too annoying 4 u.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
