My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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