i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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