You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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