apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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