my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
