this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize