Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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