winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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