he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
