everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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