I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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