I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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