Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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