Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
