Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
