Ambien. No doubt about it.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
