When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
