i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Randomize
