i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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