Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
