How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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