You don't have asthma, your pregnant
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
