I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
