dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
