I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
