im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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