Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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