my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
