My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
