I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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