I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
