I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
