I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Your cock deserves a montage
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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