If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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