trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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