i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
