I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
