Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
someone get that fucking seahorse.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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