Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
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