Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
