Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize