you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
