Please, let me fuck your mom
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
