at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
