I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
