Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
BRING THE BAGELS
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
