Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize