so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
worst night to have a conscience
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
