i just wanna soil my oats bro
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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