Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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